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I remember how back in the last year of highschool I used to really look forward to studying in the library after school. It's because I would always see him there and it somehow became a meeting thing without talking about it. Some days I would wait but he wouldn't come, those days were disappointing, and then I would have to wait another whole week until I saw him again.... These days I don't even know where he is.
Sanity, where - ?
The Universe is really testing the amount of work I've put into myself for the past year. But I think what kept me strong was not the work I've put in, but rather the torment I endured in that past year that held me back from crossing that line. I lost my sanity. I don't want to lose it again. Not all of it. I begged for him to leave me with some sanity to cling onto. He pressed, forcefully, playfully, numerous more times even after I said no, and no, time and time again. The devil at work. I should know better... Will next time, if there is a next time, be easier? Or harder?
peace.
I swear there is an energy in this universe that exists. Some call it fate, destiny, God's work etc. Whatever it is called. What it is, I believe it exists. Some souls are just intertwined. For better or for worst. Everything happens for a reason... It just takes time to find out that reason. I have yet to find out that reason, but one can only speculate... My fate has somehow become intertwined with D for several years now, showing me a dark depressed side I never knew could exist inside me. From the first moment I met him, I felt like we knew each other from a past life. And maybe it's true. I joke that he was a player in his previous life since he's heard this line from many girls before. And then X appears out of nowhere to turn my world literally upside down into chaos. I've never met a playful devil quite like himself. A much darker chaos I never knew could exist inside me (worse than the previous dark depressed side I explored). D & X work together to ruin my peace. With no
Where am I?
Running on a hamster wheel, no time to reflect and be artistic and look inwards. Stuck, always moving forwards. I feel like I have lost myself, my old young soul. My poetic self. Torn between my head and my heart. Is it even my heart, more like my wildness. Some animalistic instinct wanting danger and thrill... But innocence. Calm, childish innocence. Where has it all gone? Can I blame it on the COVID bubble, the jail cell I am trapped in whilst my heart seeks adventure and the outside world. Can I blame it on 2 years of deprivation of wanderlust for my sudden wild nature to do heartless, thoughtless, selfish, animalistic deeds. I know what hurt these actions can bring to those loved. Yet when intoxicated (and even when sober) I cannot stop myself from doing them. The intoxication from the attention of another. The feverish excitement and thrill it comes from the touch of someone unknown. Could I imagine, the bitter stain on my name if words get out about the actions done. My
Boys
I rejected boys after boys, not for you, but I let down my guard for you. But it turns out, out of all of the boys you were the only one who didn't take me seriously. You didn't even value me or actually care about me despite all the boys who pursued me. Heck even you chased me, I didn't even throw myself at you like all your past girls you told me about. I was the first and only girl you ever pursued. Yet you still didn't value me. I was nothing serious to you.
I like to say live life with no regrets and I don't regret what happened between us because if I had to choose it would happen all over again, out of naivety at the time. I didn't kn
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